A Full Heart, Yet Still Longing 

We spent the afternoon at the park.  The boys had run tirelessly up and down ramps.  Keilor laughed with such pure joy after he finally was able to get up the highest ramp on his own (well maybe my dangling leg helped a little).  They’d conquered their fears after they’d climbed way too high in a tree and had to get make their way back down.  Erick couldn’t stop smiling as he told me he was so convinced that he was going to fall that he still wasn’t sure he hadn’t and he couldn’t make his heart stop.  Joshua squealed on the sea-saw when he was left hanging at the highest point and it was unclear if or when his brother was going to let him down.  They were invited to play soccer with some new friends.  Erick schooled them and then was generous to make sure his brothers scored.  It was a pretty perfect afternoon.

My heart was full and there was a big smile plastered on my face.

On our walk towards their home, Keilor stopped me.  He pulled me down to his level.  Then, he grabbed my ear with both his little hands until his mouth was practically inside my ear.  Then he whispered, “They should tell you that you’re the best godmother ever.”  And my heart broke open.   My heart spilled out joy, love, and pride.  I am so grateful to be a part of these boys’ lives.  I love playing with them, laughing with them, and talking about Jesus.  And I’m so glad that they love me being a part of my life.  

It’s so good.

And yet… 

And yet... my heart also spilled out sadness, longing, and desperation.  It’s hard to accept that these are the extent of relationships with children that God has in my life right now.  The love on you for a few hours and then send you back home kind.  The godmother, friend, leader kind.  These are relationships I cherish and am grateful for… but heading home alone sometimes is just really hard.  I will post these pictures, and I will live off the laughter and joy of this afternoon for days.  I will thank Jesus for letting me be a part of their lives.  And I will remind Jesus again of how my heart aches for a sweet little boy to pull me down to his level, to grab my ear with his hands, and whisper, “Mama”.